I found the skit "Witnessing, American Style" on the site Body-builders.org I thought it was a unique skit but while reading it I thought of the Variation WWF Witnessing.(I perserved
all names etc from "Witnessing, American Style" just changed where neeccessary for my varaition of the skit. All additions
and or changes are in italics.
Actors: Derk, Bobby Snodgrass, Sam Schmuck
Need: A park bench or suitable substitute.
Action: Derk: (He is dressed casually with sack lunch in one hand and paperback book in other hand,
horn-rimmed glasses in pocket. He enters, sits down on a park bench, and begins to eat lunch.) What a lovely day! (He takes
out glasses and begins to read the book.)
Bobby: (He is dressed in pastoral suit and tie and carries a copy of Christianity Today. He enters, sits
down on one side of Derk, and begins to read after he says the following to Derk.) What a lovely day!
Sam: (He is dressed
very businesslike in a three-piece suit and tie and carries a briefcase. He enters, sits down on other side of Derk, and opens
his briefcase. He takes out Bible, pad, and pen.) What a lovely day! (He says to Derk as he begins to read and study Bible.
Silence ensues for several moments as each one does his own thing and tries to ignore the others. Tension climaxes and finally
Sam breaks the silence.) The poor spiritually starving world, they dont read the Bible and feed on its life-sustaining truths.
(He is oblivious to what Sam said, obviously reading an article on world hunger.)
Derk: (He is a little perturbed that
his privacy has been invaded.) The poor starving American. Someone is sitting on his lunch! (He pulls his sack lunch out from
Sam: (There is silence for another moment. Sam happens to look up and recognize Bobby.) Bobby, is that
Bobby: (He looks up startled.) Why, Sam, is that you?
Sam: Well, Bobby Snodgrass, its really you!
Well, Sam, Sammy Schmuck, I do declare! (They both rise and embrace, Sandwiching Derk.) Well, howve ya been?
(He sits down on Derks lunch again.)
Sam: Fine, and you?
Bobby: Good. The last time I saw you was five years
ago when we graduated from Bible college together.
Sam: Yeah. Never forget those times at good old P.C. Say, what ya
been up to since then?
Bobby: Well, ya know, the Lord has really been blessing me(Swings his arms Hitting Derk).
After graduation I had an interview with Pastor Rippensteimer from First Church, and he took me on staff there, and thats
where Ive been ever since.
Sam: Naw, youre kidding! Not First Church on Main St., the one that seats five thousand
people!(Swings his arms hits Derk)
Bobby: Thats the one. You know the Lord really knows
how to bless his people if well sell out completely to him. By the way, what've you been doin'?
(Meanwhile Derk has
given up trying to read his book and pulled his sack lunch out from under Bobby, and attempts to ignore the two talking over
him. He pulls out a flattened sandwich and disgustedly throws it back into the sack.)
Sam: Well, you know how Ive always
wanted to travel as an evangelist and sing and preach the gospel all over the country?
after graduation I contacted Billy Braham, and he took me on as his assistant.
Bobby: Naw, not THE famous evangelistBilly
Sam: Yep! Thats the one. You know I can't get over how greatly the Lord will use his servants if we will really
commit ourselves to his work.
Derk: (Meanwhile Derk has tried to return to reading his book but has trouble keeping
it out of the way of the flying gestures of the other two as they talk.)
Sam: Speaking of his work, guess how many
people we have won to the Lord in the last two years?
Bobby: How many?
Sam: Almost two thousand!(Again hitting
Bobby: (competitively) Yeah? Well, guess how much First Church has grown in the last two years?
How much? (Angerily yelling in Derk'd face frustrated sounding)
added almost three thousand new members!(Hitting Derk)
Derk: (Meanwhile Derk has given up on trying to read
the book and pulled out his lunch again. This time, to his horror, he pulls out a flattened orange!)
Sam: WOW! I see
the Lords been blessing you, too! You know its amazing how many people the Holy Spirit will draw to himself when you come
right out and tell people what they've gotta do. Turn or burn it is that simple.(Says this with enthusiasm
pointing and poking Derk)
Bobby: Well, you know Pastor Rippensteimer is a real pro at giving altar calls and his
philosophy is love. You've got to show people the love of God! Then theyll want to get saved.(Hitting Derk)
Naw, man. You've got to put a little fear in their hearts. You gotta make em feel the hellfire and brimstone or they won't
even respond.(Hitting Derk)
Bobby: Thats no way to share the Good News. You can't scare
them into the kingdom! You gotta love em in like Jesus did. (Derk looks back and forth at each one as they argue the point.)
No way. That doesnt work on the twentieth-century mind-set. You got to come right out and tell them where theyre headed, like
the prophets did in the old testament.
Bobby: (He gets upset.) That isnt what the Bible says. The Bible says you have
to have love.
Sam: Oh yeah, wheres that found?
Bobby: Uh, Hezariah 3:16.
Sam: Well, I can show you right
here in... in... (turning pages of Bible) in the gospel of Moses where it says, with the rod I will chasten my people.
is getting squished and beat more and more as Bob and Sam get hotter and hotter.)
Bobby: You always did
have a hard time in our classes on interpreting the Bible.
Sam: Well, I remember the time you flunked out of Christian
Bobby: Why you no good, low down
Sam: (interrupts) You hypocritical, good for nothing . . . (They
go for each others throats and catch Derk in between them.)
Bobby: (He finally comes to his senses, releases Sams neck.)
Hey man, what are we doing?
Sam: (He releases Bobbys neck.) I dont know, I guess we just got a little carried away.
Im sorry, man.
Bobby: Me, too.
Derk: (He fell to the ground after the two stopped choking each other, picked
himself up, and straightened his glasses. Finally after they finish apologizing, he talks.) Hey, guys, could you tell me a
little more about this Good News you've been talking about? ( Instead of him Getting Up he just lays there)
Uh, Im late for an appointment, I've gotta run.(Tramples Derk)
Sam: Yeah, I just remembered, uh, Ive gotta
go to the bathroom. I'll see ya later, Bobby.(Tramples Derk)
Bobby: Sure, good-by Sam.
Good seem ya Bra.
Sam: You, too, Bobby, Lord bless ya. (The two exit the same way they came in.)
some Good News! (Instead Angel of death comes and guides Derk to HELL)
Basically beat up derk as much as you can. Be creative with effects and different ways and times to hit
him. Also maybe consider crazy body slams and other obvious intentional violence toward Derk. Have the two "Christians" argue
about all kinds of ridiculus things to make it even more absurd.